Questions That May Lead to Discernment Counseling
Modern discernment counseling provides a safe space to identify if you want to continue working on your relationship or move towards separation. Here at Koger Counseling we offer discernment counseling for individuals and couples.
There are many differences between general couples counseling and discernment couples counseling. While general couples counseling focuses on communication building and identifying additional patterns, wants, and changes you both want to make for a stronger relationship; discernment counseling’s focus is on the intricate and complicated topic of whether or not this relationship aligns with each other’s authentic wants, needs, and current ability to give each other those at this point in your lives.
These are some of our questions that might be helpful to check in about if you are starting to contemplate if you want to stay in your relationship:
What would you need to see change in order to stay in this relationship?
What is your current level of hopefulness that the changes you would need to stay in your relationship will happen?
Who is your trusted support system you can be transparent with regarding your contemplation of leaving your relationship? (For some the answer is no one, and that is a good indicator that confidential therapy may be beneficial for you to identify what you truly want.)
What are your current reasons for staying? Are these reasons about you, or about the care you have for other people, protecting or avoiding certain emotions? (eg. my spouse, children, family, etc)
If your reasons are not about wanting to build on your romantic relationship, then how much do you feel you can be yourself in this relationship?
What barriers do you currently see when it comes to separating?
Is trial separation something you both want to discuss?
Are there other lifestyles that you feel like align more with your preferences? (eg. open relationships, living apart together, polyamory, co-parenting, etc) Or is your partner wanting a lifestyle you do not align with?
Is the fear of the unknown creating a barrier to take the next steps towards separating? What would help that fear dissipate? (New things are hard, life changes are always scary!)
How emotionally invested are you in this relationship?
Some of these questions can be difficult to answer alone. If you are having trouble identifying your answers, it might be time to talk to a discernment counselor.
Additionally, these topics can feel very isolating. So having 1:1 support in a confidential setting can help people identify if their answers to these questions are truly authentic to them- or are biased based on the systemic influence around them (eg. family dynamics, stress, judgment, oppressive role narratives, hierarchy of power, appeasement traits, etc).
Discernment is a very raw and emotional process. The very idea of taking deep thoughtful time to decide what supports you the most is proof that your care and connection is difficult to walk away from. Romantic partnership looks different to each person, and that is why creating a safe space for transparently identifying what you need and want in a consistent connection in your life can take time. There is no one way to have a romantic partnership.
Self discovery goes hand in hand with discernment. Talking to your personal counselor about naming your wants and needs for a romantic connection/long term partnership/marriage vs. friendships, co-habitating, LAT, etc can be helpful in the discernment process.
If you are reading this, please know that you do not have to navigate this alone! There are many therapists out there who support people in discernment work. For more information to see if Simone is a good fit, contact us here.
