Support Skills for Partners of People Who Are Navigating Grief
Sometimes when we are in a partnership we come across a hard reality of loss. While some losses might be experiences you walk through together, others might be more personal to your partner. For example, your partner may have a lifelong friend who has passed away. Maybe you met them once or twice, maybe not at all- so your grief is tied to watching your partner grieve versus your own deep grief of the loss of this person.
When a partner is going through a loss, there are some things to keep in mind:
Be Gracious: What I mean by this is consider the layers of this loss and the emotions your partner is facing. Sometimes in the moment resentment, irritation, impatience, or other emotions may come up for you and that is okay. You are allowed to have your feelings too- but taking a mindful moment to step back & recognize if the way they are reacting is related to how they generally are as a person or is it based in a grief response? This helps externalize moments of overwhelm your partner might face while navigating deep grief.
Maintain Boundaries: Boundaries can be a huge support to you both while navigating this loss. Sometimes the person grieving will shut off, or slowly stonewall away from their partner due to their symptoms of grief. Consider offering support options outside of your relationship- walks with a friend, talking to a grief counselor, going to a support group, attending a local hobby- these things can help grow both of your support systems outside the relationship.
Check In About Their Mental Load: Sometimes, depending on the loss, there can be logistical things that the person might need to take care of after someone has died. If their mental load (eg. schedules, bills, chores, work, parenthood, etc) is already high, then some people can start to face burnout & overwhelm. Check in with what your partner might be able to delegate to you or other support options for now. This might not be a forever system, but it can make a huge difference in their day to day life. Keep in mind what you are able to take on mentally, and check in on what delegation options you both have.
Accept That There Are Ebbs and Flows of Grief: Sometimes people who grieve feel obligated to “move on” with their lives and “get back to normal”. This fallacy is extremely harmful to the grieving process. This is where taking on only what you can handle is important, if you start taking on too much as a partner then resentment and impatience can start to build- which can lead to more disruptive symptoms in a relationship. Recognizing that some days will be better than others, and that is part of the grieving we do throughout our lives helps maintain the narrative that grieving is never fully over. The less expectations there are the more peaceful our lives tend to be.
Get Your Own Support- If you are having trouble with some of these things, there are many ways to get support for yourself! Talk to a therapist, go to a spouse support group, find communities that align with you- balance helps up be better partners. If you are looking for grief support, contact us for openings for individual therapy.
