Break Up Breakdowns: Why People Report Their Relationships Ended
Breakups and Divorce are a natural part of putting yourself out there, and trying to find a long term partner. So what do people really believe leads to the end of a relationship? I reviewed several articles from scientific studies and some of the answers might surprise you- other’s might not.
Statistics Show Lack of Commitment and Infidelity are the Leading Reported Causes of Separation
In several of the articles I reviewed, a lack of commitment to the relationship was a consistent #1 reason many people reported they got divorced. What does “lack of commitment” mean? It is defined in many of the articles, as the basic commitment and showing of action towards your partner. Things such as being able to work as a team, thoughtfulness, collaboration, support- and other areas of commitment are critical to the relationship’s potential future. A quote from a participant in the Scott, et al (2013) study Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education stated, “I realized it was the lack of commitment on my part because I didn’t really feel romantic towards him. I always had felt more still like he was a friend to me.” Additionally, a Legal Jobs article by Branka Vuleta highlighted, “Divorced people cite a lack of commitment (75%) as the main reason their civil union ended in a divorce”.
Quick tip: Keep in mind that commitment can look different person to person. So checking in with a partner on what this idea of commitment means to each of you, is a great way to check in about your wants and needs for the relationship to thrive.
Getting Stuck in Negative Cycles Can Feel Like “Circling the Drain”
In an article via Divorce.com noted several negative cycles such as: a spouse not carrying their load of the marriage, issues with intimacy (emotional or physical), addiction, abuse, extramarital affairs, and trouble communicating effectively as some of their top leading reasons people reported they got divorced. These issues show how much staying stuck in a negative cycle can influence a couple’s ability to last. A lot of these negative cycles can be dealbreakers. While some cycles can be changed in couples therapy- sometimes the issue and lack of willingness to change is part of the root of the discord.
Depending on how “done” you feel, checking in with a couples therapist could uncover if you both can work on changing these negative patterns or if separation is more supportive to you both.
It is important to highlight that some negative cycles come from picking a partner that just doesn’t align with your core values as you might have thought. Let’s take the example in context of fighting about value differences- let’s say Partner A really wants to have a kid and is not negotiating on becoming a parent. But Partner B is set on not having children. Their fights might start to get worse overtime as the window of opportunity to have biological children gets smaller. This values difference is not one people can compromise on (such as the forever couple fight of what you want to eat for dinner-) there is no way to have “half” a kid. Therefore, Partner A and B have some reflection to do on if this difference is so great, it might be time to separate and find partners who have more consistent values to each of them. This doesn’t mean that Partner A and B don’t love each other, have great qualities that align, or fight about many other things- this just means that the partnership isn’t going to meet each others true needs. Obviously, this is a very generalized example- and making a choice like to have or not have children is more nuanced than this example. So speaking to a therapist who works with couples on identifying core values and any core value differences could be a helpful external resource to identify how far apart your views actually are.
Growing can Lead to Growing Apart
Another potential influence is that when you meet a partner, the likelihood you have full acknowledgement and understanding of your authentic self is pretty rare. While over time, some people may understand themselves more and grow together- this is where the phrase “growing apart” comes into play. Forbes article reported, “many divorced people said they were surprised their partner changed over their marriage and were unable to personally cope with new problems that arose over time”.
Changes could be related to a number of things. And in our theory regarding personal growth, some people realize that the lives they are leading don’t actually align with what they want for their next stage of life. This leads to a very important potential stage of discernment of the relationship. Communicating openly can help identify if you can each make changes towards each other or if there are ways you just won’t ever align. This has come up a lot in the past few years (and before that too) for people who had repressed their sexuality. Validating and supporting their true self allowed them to recognize that the life they were leading wasn’t actually what they wanted, but more aligned with what society/people around them expected of them.
Signs Can Be Hard to Read, Even When They Are In Front of You
Another statistic from Scott, et al (2013) Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education, reported, “30.8% of participants specifically mentioned that they wished they had recognized “red flags” to leave the relationship before they entered their marriage.” There could be a lot of factors that play into this statistic. One we want to highlight is that there is very little, to no education on the foundational tools, topics, and presentation of healthy relationships. We can try to assume we see models of good relationships, but what people do alone is very different from what they show others outwardly. Additionally, some red flags are harder to spot than others.
Emotional abuse is an important example of this notion. A lot of emotional abuse starts very small, it creates feelings of guilt, shame, or lack of self trust which leads the other partner to have more false control. Cycles such as this can make it seem like you have no autonomy, and can be very hard to get out of alone. One of the best ways to view your relationship externally is by listening to your friends and loved ones. If they spend a lot of time around you and your partner- listen to their opinions. They probably see things that you may not be able to see. Of course, there is a sense of bias with anyone in our close personal lives- and individual therapy could also be a great space to process your discernment of your relationship without that biased view of loved ones.
A Note on Societal Pressure
A big thing that came up in several articles, including the Psychology Today piece by Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. reflects, “Sometimes, people feel like they can't break up because they fear the judgment of their friends and family or the pressure to maintain a certain image or status.” This barrier to breaking up is so interesting, because it means the person is allowing external people to dictate part of their life. With the understanding sometimes there are external reasons people may take a long time to discern if they want to remain together- such as children, home sharing, finances, etc; this decision is between the people in the partnership. It is also important to recognize if you are truly done in your relationship- then the judgment or pressure of friends/family/society really isn’t enough to stay. Of course it may seem hard to leave a relationship, it is what you have known for so long. But that is because it has had consistency- and if you are scared of what the future looks like after separation, the only way to find out is by living it.
In the End, Break Ups are Part of Trying
This blog post is really to show the normality and some of the current trends around why people report their relationships have ended. Each relationship is unique. So take this blog with a grain of salt- because overgeneralizing will definitely not help your own life. Break ups happen, and they can be very hard. The overall premise of this article is if you feel alone, while you contemplate separation, you are definitely NOT alone. Many people have these thoughts, fears, and contemplations every day. Lean in to your support system and connect with your therapist.
If you need support while navigating discernment, relationship issues, or want to build skills before getting married- you can contact me here for potential openings for tele-therapy in Washington. You can also find other couples counselors on Psych Today, therapy Den, Open Path, and Latinx Therapy.
*Please note for crisis related resources please view our Resource page here. Koger Counseling does not currently offer crisis management services but there are many options available here in Washington!
