What is Discernment Counseling?
As Brides magazine describes, “Discernment counseling is a guided process through which couples can thoughtfully decide, together, on the best next step in their relationship.” But did you know discernment counseling can also be offered for individuals? Discernment of your relationship is a challenging topic to tackle alone. By finding a therapist that fits well with your needs, you can explore either as a couple- or individually, what your next steps are.
Frequent questions related to discernment:
Why can’t I “just make a decision”? Well, if it was that easy, it would have already happened. Discernment takes a lot of intention and time because sometimes figuring out if you want to stay together or separate isn’t so black & white- but very gray. The gray means your connection to this person is loving, deep, intertwined, and is going to take more than one decision.
How long does discernment take? This answer is something you can only give yourself. In therapy we take time untangling your truths & authentic self from the confines of social norms, appeasement, social roles, and other barriers that may be influencing you to not make choices that align with who you are. From this information we gather in therapy, people tend to find clarity on what they need in order to get to the action stage of discernment- also known as the decision-making stage.
What if I feel like it’s too late? That is okay! Just try to come in as a couple for 4 sessions- see if the things that make you want to leave are still barriers to wanting to try again. If you made your way to this blog post, it means you are trying to be very thoughtful before making a decision that impacts your life. Think about talking to a discernment counselor if you want more support. If you are searching for support as an individual, it may be time to check in with your partner about if you both want to try couples therapy or if you are already ready to separate.
Does discernment just focus on what’s not working? Nope- in discernment therapy we look at several things: what isn’t working, what has, what have we not tried- and what can we learn. That way, whether you decide to stay together or separate the transition can be as supportive as possible. As Good Therapy writes, “Discernment counseling is considered successful when both partners have an increased understanding of what went wrong in the relationship and how they want to move forward.” If you are in individual therapy, your therapist will hopefully offer the option for couples therapy referrals unless you have stated that you are ready to separate. Then we focus on building your support system, processing emotions, identifying solutions & ways to share your wants, and other important topics to support you through this transition.
It is okay if discernment leads to separation
One of the biggest hurdles of discernment is accepting that it is okay to breakup. Our society has a lot of stigma around breakups or divorce. But if you have done discernment and no longer want to be in this relationship, then stepping away from it may help bring you both the opportunity to live authentically. Coparenting can be successful! Separation can be successful! If you communicate, mediate, and try to keep your mutual goals in mind- such as childcare, separating assets, coparenting, etc, then you may be able to reach a rhythm with each other that is more supportive.
Another hurdle to discernment is accepting that your decisions are going to lead to big change. Separation is a huge life transition. That can seem very scary and some people may avoid being honest with their partners for a long time before they express their true feelings. Working with a discernment counselor can help you both find the words to accept this change is going to happen and what next steps would help support you both while you are transitioning into separating.
Finally, there is the narrative of feeling like you have failed. This stems from deep religious roots of our country- leading people to fear getting divorced. YOU WILL BE OKAY. Just because your relationship is coming to an end, does not mean you have failed, it means you have tried your hardest and sometimes things end. We cannot fit a key into a lock it is not meant for and see it work. Sometimes people grow apart, or face barriers that lead to inflexible areas where we can no longer meet each other. Failure is drenched in expectation, which is a judgmental construct to put on yourself.
Discernment Counseling Offers a Nonjudgmental Space
Some couples feel very isolated when navigating discernment on their own. It is not exactly a hot topic at your local bbq or family outing. Having a confidential space to process and navigate discernment can help people feel less judged and more in control of how to take their next steps.
Discernment counseling can vary depending on the couple. Some therapists will suggest being in session for 5-7 consecutive weeks, others may be more open ended with a timeline. An additional resource would be to find a mediator, as they can support the physical transitions that may come with divorce.
If you have gotten this far into reading this blog post, it shows you are trying to find ways to thoughtfully take the next steps. Contact me today to see if discernment counseling may be beneficial to identifying what your next steps are.
Please note that discernment counseling is not that same as domestic violence support, Koger Counseling does not provide crisis support at this time. For Domestic Violence Support please see resources below: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
